


Recovery

by UltimateOptimist



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Niall Has An Eating Disorder, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Niall-centric, Recovery, Where We Are Tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 10:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12703239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist
Summary: Niall was the fun, happy-go-lucky one until he wasn't. Now he's trying to recover and tour at the same time.*Side note Zayn is in this because I wrote this forever ago and just found it*





	Recovery

It took them all by surprise but it shouldn’t have really. The signs were there, the missed meals, insomnia, and social withdrawal. Whether it was through sheer exhaustion, working 24/7 and, probably a little blind ignorance they missed it. Their ball of sunshine, their glue had an eating disorder. And no-one had noticed until the blonde began to faint, until he ended in the hospital suffering from malnutrition, dehydration and exhaustion. He had been in rehab for 8 weeks for treatment for an eating disorder, depression and anxiety.  
“Ni’s back at 1pm right?” Louis asked as he stocked the fridge with Liam. The 4 all decided to move back in with the Irishman as he settled back into life post rehab.  
“Yeah Harry’s going to give him a lift” Liam replied handing him a carton of yoghurt.  
“I hope they don’t get spotted” Louis sighed wearily. The press hadn’t quite bought the statement released explaining Niall was suffering from exhaustion and rumours were flying around about citing anything from a bad secret break up, drugs to eating disorders.  
Liam hummed agreement and concentrated on tidying up the kitchen.  
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
“First night in your own bed eh” Harry smiles as he pulls into Niall’s drive.  
“Yeah” Niall sighs softly, rubbing his palms on his thighs, a nervous habit which didn’t suit the blonde. But then Niall hadn’t really been himself for a long time now.  
“You alright?” The brunette dares to ask. Niall hates the question but Harry really can’t help but ask it. Coming home for the first time in 8 weeks to find your bandmates are now living with you probably feels a bit claustrophobic in itself. Teamed with coping with his recovery, subsequent weight gain and getting back to the band.  
Niall hesitates for a moment, and that tells Harry all he needs to know. “Yeah...Let’s go” he sighs, opening the passenger door. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
It’s an awkward first few days at home. The boys hover, handing him drinks and snacks constantly. It’s all a bit claustrophobic and Niall isn’t allowed to do much unsupervised at the moment. He feels like a child, constantly monitored, especially after meals, and he can’t really bring himself to even pick up his guitar. He just seems to mope around the house, he likes sitting in the garden, but someone always finds him. He knows the 4 mean well, and really it’s all his fault, he lied, hid things and so the price paid is his privacy. He thought the apprehension before his first meal at home was bad but it all just feels awkward. The 5’s relationship is all off, and the atmosphere seems so false and forced and it makes Niall just feel all the worse for not being strong enough. 4 days after coming home the 5 get back to work.  
The first fitting he has for tour is the worst. He’s been awake all night, worrying about seeing more of the crew again, bumping into fans and of course having to stand in his boxers in front of the entire design team. He’s sitting at the kitchen table, playing with a cup of tea which has gone cold a long time ago.  
“Ni?” Liam asks, rubbing his eyes as he walks into the kitchen. It’s 6am which means it’s time for his morning run. Niall wants to run, but he’s not allowed to exercise without Mark there at the moment, and he has to wear a heart rate monitor to know exactly how much he needs to eat after. He hates it.  
“Morning” the blonde smiles tiredly. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asks, pulling up a chair as he ties his laces.  
Niall nods, staring into his cup.  
“You ok? About touring and stuff” Liam asks almost awkwardly.  
“Yeah it’s our job” Niall replies, still staring into his cup. Liam winces as it sounds so robotic, the perfect press answer and he hates that Niall is lying to him again.  
“If you’re...Ni if you need more time” Liam begins and Niall bites his lip hard not to snap back, or cry. He doesn’t have more time, the 4 all know it, management know it, hell his family know it. The longer he stays away the harder it will be to come back, and if he leaves he’s lost even more of himself then he already has. He might not love his job right now, but music is a part of him, and he hopes one day he can have it back. He can’t say it though, he just can’t seem to vocalise the deepest of his thoughts, instead he sits through his sessions skimming the surface, and never speaks to the boys about it.  
“I don’t” Ni argues softly, Liam hates how he sounds, so worn down, so lost. How did they not notice this sooner? Not for the first time he internally debates whether the blonde should even be here, all in all he seems worse than he did before he was admitted – though he wonders if Niall’s stopped hiding it or they just notice more now. The idea of either makes him sick to his stomach.  
“Ni....” Liam sighs and Niall hates the sound, he feels instantly guilty.  
“You’ll be late if you don’t go now” he pushes the chair out from the table and walks to be back garden leaving Liam alone.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Zayn sighs as he spots the blonde sitting in the garden, his knees are drawn up to his chest, as if Niall is trying to make himself as small as possible and he’s clearly lost in thought.  
“How long’s he been out there? He looks freezing” Harry asks.  
“Was there when I got up” Zayn shrugs, his fingers itching for a cigarette all of a sudden.  
“He’s so still now, before he’d be messing about or playing with his guitar but now...” Harry trails off, “I’ve not seen him touch his guitar or a football since...well since he came back.”  
“I know I noticed as well” Zayn sighs, deciding he really needs that cigarette.  
“Here it’s too cold for a t-shirt” Zayn throws a hoody at Niall, it’s Liam’s so its a good few sizes too big for the blonde to begin with, let alone at the weight he is now. He watches Niall slip it on, trying hard not to focus on how slim Niall’s arms still are despite him gaining back some weight.  
“Thanks Z” he smiles softly, before looking down at his toes.  
“You nervous about today?” He asks, always to the point.  
Niall huffs a laugh, trust Zayn to still be direct. It’s why he’s been gravitating to the Bradford man and Harry since he got back, they treat him more normally then Liam and Louis.  
“Yeah, but it’s not just today...it’s all of it” He admits quietly, playing with the ends of the jumper sleeve.  
“All of what babes?”  
“All of it, the questions, the shows, the meetings....all the attention” he replies shutting his eyes and resting his head back on the chair. “I hate it, just the idea of...everyone always watching.”  
Zayn can’t help but be nervous about that. Out of all of them Niall is the most natural a performer, he lives for it – or well he did. He handles all the media and pressure with a gentle ease, and Zayn hopes and hopes one day he’ll get it back, he can’t bear to think what will happen if he doesn’t.  
“It’s cause they love you Ni, they love everything about you, and your talent makes them smile” he replies after a few minutes of silence. Unsure of what to say, and he hates that too, he’s always known what to do when it comes the Irishman.  
“Yeah” the blonde sighs flatly, and Zayn knows he doesn’t believe it. Before he can say anything Louis calls them for breakfast and for once Niall rushes to the table, clearly wanting to avoid any conversation.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
The fitting is sheer torture for Niall. He walks in with butterflies in his stomach, his breakfast sitting heavy in his stomach. It’s chaotic, with the team all running around and rails of everything everywhere, Niall used to like the chaos. The fittings meant the time to tour was close, but today it filled him with dread – and that’s before he remembered he had to take his clothes off, and then be scrutinised by Caroline to ensure everything fitted right. It was stupid really, since it was a stadium tour, and ok they were being fitted for a few awards evenings but still a full morning seemed excessive – but as always they had to look perfect.  
“Hey sweetie let’s get you sorted” Caroline smiled widely, spotting the blonde. Niall takes a deep breath and resigns himself to his fate.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
“Want to come with?” Liam asks as they head into the van. He and Louis are planning a trip out, to grab dinner and just wander into town for a few hours. Harry has plans with Nick and his friends, and Zayn is seeing Perrie. Niall knows they don’t want to leave him alone, they don’t trust him, but he’s so drained from today he just wants to crawl into bed watch a film and sleep. Tomorrow is back to rehersals, with only a week to go before tour starts and he’s already exhausted.  
“I..No....Sorry” Niall sighs, knowing Liam will now insist on changing his plans. Louis grimaces at that, it’s so unlike the blonde to want to just sit in the house, to be alone.  
“Hey it’s ok, we can get takeaway instead, or I can cook something?” Liam suggests immediately and Niall winces because this is exactly what he doesn’t want.  
“No go, you both should go, I think I’ll just skype Greg and check in” Niall argues. He has no intention of doing that – in fact he’s debating giving Harry his phone so he doesn’t check twitter for all the comments from fans who’ve spotted them today. It’s probably not the wisest idea – not yet.  
“Ni...” Liam sighs because Niall is not allowed to be left unsupervised for a meal. It irks Niall, because he hasn’t even resisted one snack, meal or drink from his plan yet, but he knows it’s his own fault.  
“I’ll be in til late, Nick’s picking me up on the way in” Harry interrupts. “I’ll make dinner for us.”  
Niall smiles gratefully at his friend and relaxes into his seat, despite the fact he hates he’s being babysat. He hates it. He hates it. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
And it continues, the never-ending weeks of tour preparation spin around him. Niall loves it normally, right in the mix, but this time it all seems such a chore. His therapist and him discuss it, why he’s found a sudden dislike for the only career he ever wanted, and he’s realised it’s not the music, not the band but the attention he’s struggling with. They are both hoping once the blonde feels better about himself, the attention will feel less stifling and he will enjoy it again – Niall is still not convinced. He tries though, he pushes himself in the weeks leading up to the start, making himself go out and socialise, picking up his guitar, skyping his family and slowly his weight creeps up as does his enthusiasm.  
Touring is tough in reality. Niall had forgotten the sheer extent of it and 3 weeks in he’s already struggling. He has regular appointments with his therapist over Skype, he keeps to his schedule and is even back into the gym properly but it’s emotionally and physically draining. The boys and the team have been great so far, and despite his struggles he is finding the days enjoyable – some more than others.  
“He’s getting better right?” Liam asks, slight uncertainty in his voice as he watches Niall and Louis kick the ball around the stage. 

“Think so, I don’t think he’ll ever be....it’s not going to be the same” Zayn chooses his words carefully, smiling softly as the blonde manages to meg Louis and does a slight victory dance. It’s the most Niall-like thing he’s seen the Irishman do in ages, and his heart soars at the sight.  
“I’d settle for this to be honest” Liam laughs softly as Louis huffs and pushes the blonde on the shoulder. In days gone past he’d wrestle the irish lad to the ground, but they are all aware of how Niall doesn’t particularly like being touched, nevermind touched without notice – and no-one can go near his stomach or sides.  
“Me too” Zayn nods as he spots the small but genuine smile on both his friends faces.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
So naturally when things were looking up...things hit a snag. It had been coming for a few days, the lads were worn out, as were the team, and now they had endless promo crammed into show days. The 5 had been at odds with each other over very little things, the things that annoy you after living in each others pockets 24/7. It was currently 7am and Harry couldn’t help but be concerned that Niall had been in the bathroom for the past 15 minutes, with no sign of movement inside.  
“Niall mate we have to be down in 5” Harry’s voice came through the bathroom door. Niall was currently sitting curled up on the bathroom floor, the shower running to fill the room with steam. Today was a bad day. Today was the worst he’d felt in a long time, the worst since rejoining the band. He was scared, scared of feeling like this again but scared of reaching out to the other boys because how could they understand this? He didn’t understand this. There’s not been a trigger he’s aware of, he hadn’t seen anything on twitter, no rumours in the press, nothing anyone had said or done – he just felt awful. He was letting the room fill with steam so he didn’t have to see himself, he didn’t want to see a single thing of himself not his face, body, hair, nothing. He just wanted to be invisible today. He tried to reply, but he could barely breathe around the lump in his throat.  
“Ni? Nialler?” Harry knocked on the door, and it startled him into action.  
Niall cleared his throat, and raised his head enough so Harry could hear his reply. “Ok”  
“Ni you alright?” Harry asked, his voice concern laden. He could swear he heard the blonde’s voice crack.  
Niall took a deep breath trying to pull himself together to answer.  
“Yeah just in the shower” Niall forced out, pushing himself of the floor as soon as he realised the mirror was steamed enough.  
Harry hovered at the door, not sure what to do. He knew the blonde hated hovering, and he hated the scrutiny that he has been under since returning to the band. Paul was constantly present at meal times, and the boys were particularly bad for watching too. Louis and Liam in particular. Eventually he decided to leave the blonde be for now, he just hoped Niall wasn’t do anything he shouldn’t be in there....  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
“So you left him alone...in the bathroom” Liam stated, clearly agitated.  
“Relax Li, eventually you’re going to have to trust him” Harry sighed rubbing his forehead.  
“Cause that worked out so well before” Louis argued.  
“Don’t” Zayn cut in sternly. “Don’t be like that, he needs support, to feel like he can talk to us so don’t.” The Bradford man knew that the pair weren’t being malicious, they were just scared; they all are, and the anger comes from frustration of not being able to help the blonde when he first started struggling. Hell none of them noticed until he fainted and was dangerously underweight.  
Louis deflates at the words, “I know Z, this...this is....”  
“Shit” Liam chipped in with a nod at the same time Harry said “Hard.”  
“I know” Zayn nodded, a hand on the oldest members shoulder.  
The boys sit in their own thoughts for several minutes until they hear Paul greet a certain missing member.  
“Morning Ni”  
“Morning” Niall smiles shyly, he’s dressed in a jumper two sizes too big, belonging to Harry, which is alarming in itself since Harry is very slim, and jeans. Harry can’t help but sigh at just how small and tired the Irishman looks. He can tell instantly its a rough day for him. He and Zayn both spot the way his hands tremble slightly as he plays with the sleeves of his jumper. Niall’s been telling Harry bits and pieces since he returned from the clinic, nothing too in depth but enough to realise that not eating is not about being self conscious about his weight.  
He sits in between Harry and Zayn, trying to push down the panic that they are going to make him eat today. He has to have something big for breakfast, as they have a long day of interviews and a show tonight.  
Niall sat staring at his plate. He felt sick, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t eat again. He just couldn’t. He didn’t want to, he felt fat today, he could feel his stomach resting on the waistband of his jeans and he hated it. The room was too crowded, too busy and too full of people. People watching him, seeing him, seeing him eat too and he just didn’t want to be here. Anxiety sat in his stomach like a ball of lead, keeping him in his seat.  
“Ni, lets get breakfast yeah?” Harry suggests, he’d deliberately waited so the blonde wouldn’t have to go alone to get it. He’s concerned at how pale the Irishman is, almost ghost like and throws a look to Zayn.  
“What’s on the menu today?” Zayn asks with a smile, trying to make conversation as if it was completely normal for Niall to be following a strict meal plan set by his dietician.  
“Err Porridge and fruit” Niall replies, and Harry frowns as he spots the blonde trying to curl into himself despite sitting on a chair. His knees are drawn up to his chest, and his entire body language screams leave me alone.  
“C’mon think I might have the same” Harry encourages.  
“Grab me an orange please” Liam asks, the 5 all making an effort to eat when the Irishman has to, and trying to eat healthier for him too.  
Niall’s hands are shaking as he grabs a bowl.  
“Ni you ok?” Harry asks quietly, a hand on his lower back.  
“Uhh...yeah” Niall replies giving himself a shake. He can’t freak out here, not now. He has to be ok, he has to be able to tour he can’t let the fans down, the boys down, the crew down.  
The brunette doesn’t believe him but doesn’t push, just rubs his back gently as the blonde goes for a banana. He spots Paul watching, and the bodyguard gave Harry a nod to let him know he’d seen and the portion looks ok.  
The 4 try hard not to watch as Niall literally pushes the porridge around the bowl. He’s forced down exactly four mouthfuls and he really can’t anymore. He feels bloated and sick and he just can’t.  
“Ni c’mon you have to eat a bit more of that” Liam states softly, not being able to watch for much longer. The 4 finished a long time ago and the van will be ready to live within 20 minutes.  
“I can’t” Niall mumbles, pushing the bowl away and biting back tears. He’s frustrated. He’s sick of eating, sick of people watching him, sick of trying to hold it together when he wants to kick and scream he’s sick of it all.  
“Ni please? We’ll have to go soon and you know you need more than that” Liam pushes and Niall instantly tenses. The Irishman is silent, biting hard enough on his lip to draw blood. The dining room is emptying now, the crew leaving to grab their things and tidy up any loose ends.  
“Nialler, we aren’t leaving until you’ve eaten” Louis states firmly. Zayn and Harry look at each other and sigh, knowing this won’t end well.  
“Boys let’s go get your stuff, van will be here soon” Paul interrupts. He’d been watching the 5 all breakfast and can see Niall is struggling today. He also knows that he won’t do well with a crowd.  
Zayn and Harry share a quick look, and Harry nods letting the other man know he’ll stay. Harry is the calmest of the 5, good at hiding his emotions. Paul asks the brunette a silent question and he nods, he’ll try and let the man know what happens. The crowd leave, as do the final stragglers leaving the two 20 something year olds sitting at the table. Niall’s still not said a word, he’s just staring at the plate. He can taste blood from where’s bitten through his lip, but all he can think of is how fat he feels, how just wants to be anywhere but here.  
“Ni, it’s just us, can you try? How about we try half ok? 4 more mouthfuls and you’re done babe” Harry asks again, rubbing his back in gentle circles.  
Niall moves out of his grasp, not being able to bear touching him. He doesn’t want nor deserve it.  
“M not hungry” he mumbles, voice choked.  
“What’s going on babe? You did so well yesterday, and well since you got back” Harry asks gently, trying not to be hurt that the blonde pushed him away.  
Niall scoffs at that because yeah he has. He’s been the definition of perfect since he got back from the clinic, sticking to the plan, doing everything and anything asked of him. He’s seeing a therapist, trying to work through it all and he thought things were getting better but today....today it’s like he’s back at square one and the feeling of self-loathing are stronger than ever.  
“Ni?” Harry frowns as he hears it, and spots the tears in his eyes. His lip is now coated in blood.  
“Haz....I...I can’t not today, I can’t do today please” the Irishman is practically begging and it makes the brunettes heartache for him.  
“You can talk me, about any of it, you can talk to any of us” The younger man reassures him. “What can’t you do today?”  
Niall just shakes his head, pressing the heel of his hands into his eyes. He really can’t.  
“Do you need me to call Greg?” He asks, Harry’s usually good at reading the Irishman but right now he is lost. He’s trying not to panic but the blonde is practically vibrating he’s trembling so hard, his breathing strained.  
“No, no please don’t...” Niall pleads, dropping his hands.  
“Babe I don’t know how to help here” Harry sighs, and Niall can see the utter exhaustion in his bandmate. Guilt hits him like a freight train, at what he’s putting everyone through. His mind flashes to the strained faces of his bandmates, to Harry crying in the hospital room after he collapses for the final time, the guilt in the eyes of Liam. It spurs him into picking up the spoon but he literally gags at the thought. He tries to think of ways they taught him at the clinic, to help when he gets like this but his mind is blank with panic. He can’t keep doing this to everyone, he has to stop.....  
“Hey, let’s stop for a second” Harry soothes as Niall fills up his spoon, gagging again as he sees the congealed mess on his spoon, trying to push down his own panic. He puts his hands back on Niall, wrapping them around the hand with the spoon in it and one around his back. “Take a second Ni, breathe with me babe” he coaches Niall gags hard again, and the porridge he’s already eaten is threatening to resurface. The gentle touches is all it takes for Niall to break down, and he lets the tears come. He cries out his frustration at being the way he is, being him, he cries for being here, he cries out of guilt for putting everyone through this. In the end Harry gently pulls him onto this knee, rocking him back and forth like you would a child. Harry pushes tears back as he hears the blonde’s heartbroken sobs, he makes sure his hands are nowhere near his stomach, wrapped in his hair and around his shoulders. Despite being a lot heavier then the last time Harry picked him up the brunette still winces at how light he still is.  
“Ssssh you’re ok, you’re ok” he soothes in his ear. He can sense Paul in the doorway, and looks at him helplessly, for the first time he feels at a total loss with the blonde. Paul nods letting him know they have time and lets the youngest get back to the blonde in his lap.  
After a few minutes Niall calms, feeling drained and shaky but no longer as anxious.  
“M sorry” Niall mumbles rubbing his tears away.  
“Hey it’s ok, never apologise to me” Harry tells him firmly, placing a hand under his chin and gently forcing him to look into his eyes.  
“Thanks” he blushes instantly cringing as he realises he’s sitting on Harry’s lap, he makes a move to leave but is gently stopped by Harry pulling him futher into his chest.  
“No, we haven’t cuddled in ages Ni, let me enjoy this” Harry protests.  
“I....ok” Niall sighs but he hates it. He hates the fact Harry can feel him, his rounded out stomach and his sides.  
“When you’re ready to tell me what’s going on I’ll be here ok? We all are...we don’t...we don’t understand exactly what goes on in your head, and I wish I could make you see how much you mean to me, us, to everyone Ni and I hope one day you’ll see how amazing you are...but for now we will be here on the good and bad days” Harry talks into his ear, even though there’s no-one in the room to eavesdrop. Niall feels silent tears roll down his cheeks at the words.  
“Can....Can I just eat the banana? For now...” Niall asks in a small voice after a while.  
“Yeah babe,” he smiles, glad the blonde will eat something. Kissing the top of his head.  
“Boys? We need to make a move” Paul states softly.  
“Sorry” Niall winces, he know he’s made them late this morning.  
“Don’t apologise Ni, are you up for today?” Paul asks, gently placing his hands on both his shoulders.  
“I...Yeah...Yeah” Niall breathes out hard.  
“If you change your mind tell me” Paul makes him promise.  
Niall nods, “Are the boys...” he begins, hating how out of place he feels. He feels sick at the thought of them all waiting as he gets on the bus, ready to pounce and ask questions as soon as he gets on the bus.  
“Yeah Ni, c’mon we need to go” Paul smiles. Niall smiles weakly and begins to unpeel the fruit despite having zero appetite.Harry wraps an arm around his shoulders and carries a conversation as the blonde eats in small bites. In the end he finishes half, before he gags again and Harry silently takes the half away, rubbing a hand between his shoulder blades. It’s not a great amount of food, not nearly enough, but he appreciates the blonde is trying.  
Immediately after stepping on the bus Niall feels awkward. He can feel the boys watching him as he steps on it, despite the fact Zayn appearing to be reading and Liam and Louis are playing FIFA and it makes him feel incredibly self conscious.  
“Want a game of FIFA?” Liam asks with a smile, his heart dropping at the fact he can spot the redness of Niall’s eyes.  
Niall just shakes his head. He wants to sleep, he wants to disappear into his bunk.  
“We’re going to chill at the back” Harry decides for him, grabbing his hand gently and pulling the blonde behind him, while Niall pretends he doesn’t notice the silent conversations going on around him.  
“Want me to stay?” Harry asks quietly as the blonde instantly goes to his bunk and curls into himself. Niall shakes his head and tugs the curtain along.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Niall is silent the entire journey. His bunk curtain is pulled across, and he pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to relieve the ache in his stomach. He feels sick, the banana feels too heavy, it’s not food that’s making him feel ill it’s just this. The job, the travel, and he hates it today.  
“Think he’s asleep?” He hears Harry ask quietly.  
“Don’t know, he just seems....” Liam trails over unable to finish the sentence  
“He’s exhausted Li” Zayn adds softly and Niall winces at how concerned they all are for him.  
“Is is just that?” Louis sighs heavily, and the silence answers the question.  
Niall curls in on himself, not really sure himself.  
...  
“Hey think you can eat some toast?” Zayn asks gently, peeling back the curtain and settling beside the blonde.  
Niall shakes his head, his stomach churning at the thought.  
“Not even a slice?” He pushes, knowing Niall can’t slip back to this.  
“I feel sick” Niall explains quietly, trying not to cry again. God today is a bad one.  
“We’ll try later then, Can I...Can I hug you?” the brunette asks, his heart dropping as he spots how Niall is 100% focused on his knees.  
Niall nods and Zayn moves into to cuddle. He automatically wraps an arm around his stomach and is shocked at how violently Niall flinches.  
Niall instantly curls in on his side even further, shifting away from his band mate. He just wants to disappear.  
“M sorry babe I forgot, Im sorry” Zayn could kick himself. He tries to wrap an arm around his shoulder but Niall shakes his head, he doesn’t want to be cuddled and reassured, he can’t let them see him like this. He moves further away so he’s out of the brunette’s touch.  
“Please go Zayn,” he asks quietly, he sounds so tired that Zayn’s chest aches for him. He’s curled in on himself, so much so Harry can’t see his face but he can spot the shake of his hands.  
“Ni” He sighs.  
“Please” he asks again, wrapping an arm around his bent knees. Zayn hesitates but leaves anyway, not wanting to push the blonde further away.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Niall is quiet the entire day, he spends the time in the green room curled in on himself, as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. The boys try and act normal, they play fight and play fruit football, but the balance is off and everyone can sense it. Niall is supposed to be right in the mix, the ball of sunshine, but today he just can’t and he hates himself even more for it. He knows he should ring his therapist, but to do so feels like even more of a failure. Suddenly the room is too small, the people are too loud and the Irishman finds himself needing an escape. He gets up quietly and goes to see Lou.  
“Hi babe” she smiles as he walks in, she’s busy prepping her workstation. Despite her concern she doesn’t let it show, just allows him to sit in silence, listening to the music while she finishes. Eventually she joins him on the sofa, sitting close enough so he can feel her warmth but not so she’s touching him. Lou had already been told by Paul about breakfast, knowing the blonde would seek her out later.  
“Boys being too loud?” She asks, picking up an orange from the fruit bowl and peeling it. She offers him a piece, hoping he’d take it but Niall pales and shakes his head. Lou feels a pang of disappointment, Niall seemed to be doing so well, but doesn’t react just pops it into her mouth instead.  
“Yeah” he sighs, rubbing his face and pulling the jumper sleeves over his hands.  
“Today a bad one?” she asks quietly, hands beginning to play with his hair.  
Niall just nods a lump in his throat, and Lou instantly wraps an arm around his shoulders, hugging him gently.  
“I hate this” he mumbles quietly, pulling the sleeves over his hands further.  
“Hate what babe?” Lou asks, her tone bland as if he was discussing the weather. That’s why he seeks her out.  
“Just.....this” Niall chokes out. Lou pulls him gently so his head is on her shoulders, she sighs at the way he deliberately positions himself so he’s not near her, as if he’s scared to be touched. Her heart pangs, she misses Niall, the un-refrained carefree Niall.  
“It’ll get better sweetheart, it will” she promises, kissing the top of his head. “Maybe you should bring your appointment forward though, just to make sure” she suggests, knowing the next appointment isn’t for another few days.  
“I...It’s just” Niall’s really finding it difficult to speak around the lump in his throat.  
“It doesn’t mean you’re not getting better, some days will be harder, some weeks months, but you will get there” Lou promises him quietly, and the pair sit in silence after that. He starts to doze on Lou’s shoulder, and that’s how Harry finds them 20 minutes later.  
“He asleep?” Lou whispers, still stroking his hair.  
Harry nods, blowing out a breath. Even sleeping the blonde looks so tired today.  
“He’s not ready for this Lou, he’s pushing himself too hard” Harry sighs.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Niall does bring his appointment forward, he rings straight after the show, utterly exhausted.  
“Yeah that’s great thanks” Niall turns as he hears the door open to the dressing room, a sheepish Harry standing with a protein shake and a banana. Niall’s really sick of banana’s. The brunette mouths sorry but Niall shakes his head and places a hand up, telling him to wait.  
“I’ll see her then, thanks” he ends the call to the receptionist and runs a hand through his hair.  
“That was my therapist’s office, I have an appointment tomorrow but I think we might have an interview” he sighs, biting his lip, he’d forgotten to check the schedule but he knows he has to see her, and sooner would be better.  
“Its ok Ni we can work around it, that’s more important” Harry reassures him. “You alright just if you’ve brought it forward....” he trails off awkwardly.  
“I don’t know..I just....it’s hard, and being back here is harder than I thought it would be” the blonde admits, and sits heavily on the sofa. Harry joins him sensing the blonde might open up to him and waits patiently. “I thought...I thought being back here on the road would be what I needed, it would help, I love music, and you boys, but it doesn’t. It just...I hate it, the crowds, the photos, and the scrutiny...Ive spent the last few months just wanting to disappear, fade away so I don’t have to be like this anymore, don’t have to feel or think or do anything but now I can’t...everyone is always watching. I hate being alone but don’t want to be around people, when I am I just want to drift into the background...I don’t...I don’t understand and I hate it” Niall’s starting to cry now, as he begins to admit how he feels.  
For once Harry has no words, he just pulls the Irishman into a hug.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
After that things start to get better, slowly.  
Niall sees his therapist regularly, he sticks to his meal plan, and he tours.  
He slowly starts to open up, talking to Zayn about his deepest insecurities, he lets Louis makes him laugh, he lets Harry hold him when he cries, he lets Liam guide him when he feels lost. It’s not easy, it’s never easy, but he knows he’ll be ok.  
“You alright?” Liam asks, taking a seat beside the Irishman in the empty stadium.  
“Yeah, been a hell of a year Li” Niall sighs, and Liam knows he isn’t just talking about the tour.  
“Yeah, good ending though don’t you think?” Liam asks, slinging an arm around the smaller lad.  
“Yeah” Niall smiles, for the first time in a long time, he feels hope that things might just work out ok.


End file.
